Heart heavy so many things i want to say..so many conflicting feelings i got. I don’t know what to do with all the words in my mouth. I feel sad ör wistful for what i dont know..this deep sinking feeling of dread. The one you feel at the pit of your stomach. I just got back from a date and I can’t tell anything. I can’t tell who you are or who I am even. I feel like I want to call my bestfriend and rant about it but I also feel like there’s nothing to say..I dont know what will I say. Did I like it?Did I not?Did time stop?Did my hands shake when you touched them to warm them up?Should I have allowed you to touch them?Should I let you slap my thighs jokingly as you told me this funny story. Did I like how close you felt?Or did I wish you were a step further? I feel strangely everything and nothing. I don’t know if its content or just nonchalance. I know I wish you’d text me right now toask me if I got backhome safely. I know I wish I’d talk to you until the sun rises and pass out mid one of your stories. I know I would love that but would you? My sighs of excitment are incomplete cause I cant tell. I can’t tell what feelings do i trigger in you? Do I excite you?Do you wonder when we’ll see each other again? Do you have all those conflicting feelings ones you cant understand?Or am i just a date you’d like to see once every month?Tell me. Tell me actual words. I like to hear them. Your eyes raking over my face to take in every detail is not enough. Your light touches are not enough. Your interest in what I have to say is not enough. Your body language is not enough. Your passing compliments are not enough. Please voice your thoughts out loud. Please reassure me with words. Please tell me of how much of a great time you’ve had. Just anything I cling to except this suffocating confusion. So many questions so little answers. Sometimes i wish life was like a movie where you can skip to the ending to see how it goes. I cant stop thinking about you and I hate this. I hate waiting for a message that I know will come but dont know when..

I don’t know why I love being here or rather why I feel comfortable talking about men in my life here. I barely know anyone so it’s kinda safe. I met this man. He made me feel butterflies in my stomach and he made me feel actual sparks..kinda cliche I know. I never thought I’d be this person who believes in someone meant to me..a soulmate perhaps but I could swear that you were made for me..every inch of you carved for me..every thought and every idea. I know it makes me seem too self absorbed..who believes that a person is made for them solely anyhow?I do or did I don’t know. At first I thought you were idiotic. I thought you’re some lame ass who probably catcalls women in the streets but god how I was wrong..terribly so. Now however I wish I was right or I wish I never talked to you because of all my ridiculous assumptions. Sometimes..most of the time..my assumptions about people are inaccurate and bullshitty and perhaps that’s why I always get shook. Because I never see anything coming. You were different than all the men I’ve dated before. You were gentle and calm but didn’t treat me like I had some broken wings and needed care..nor did you tiptoe around me like I shred and sting everything around me. You enveloped me. You enclosed yourself around me. Wrapped yourself around me like a light blanket. You treated me like I’ve never been before..talked to me like never before. I felt so many things in your presence..things I’ve never felt all at once. I felt safe, comfort, alive, excited, lightheaded, drowsy. I felt everything I’ve ever longed to feel but never believed existed. Under your gaze I felt beautiful and powerful. You made me feel like I owed you and I owed the world. I’d look at you from underneath my lashes and you’d melt slowly unravel around me. My breath was all slow at first but then frantic and hungry begging for more. You didn’t have to touch me too much. Sometimes you’d hold my hands and caress my fingers..other times you’d graze my arm lightly and you’d look into my eyes like you’re asking for permission. My breath would hitch up..my senses would elevate and everything would stop for not seconds but sometimes hours. I’d look into your eyes forever if I could. The deeper I looked the harder I fell. You knew my favorites cigarettes and how I drink my coffee without me actually telling you..you just knew. You knew how scared I was from the world and promised to set me free. You took me places to hike and jump from high places. You made me feel alive and made me rush to get high on that adrenaline. You took me night and morning drives. Listened to the same music and sung me poetry. The more I saw you the more I clung to every inch of you. It wasn’t the thought of you but rather you as a whole. I’ve never felt this way and now you’re gone..I wonder do I drive people away?im wide awake at 5 am wondering are you thinking about me too?Do you miss me?Do you like me?Did I mean anything?I wonder if you’ll reach out to me but then I beat myself up over contemplating that..you deserve nothing but rage..